“To love” is an acquired skill

Well said.

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My Cinderella Night

Prologue

To everyone that is dorming in college or ever has, I envy you. I would love for the chance to be away from my family long enough to actually miss them. Don’t get me wrong, I love  them more than I can fathom but I commute to college and in a nutshell, it sucks. I go to class, come home and deal with family stuff every day. I have to help my two younger sisters with their homework, help my parents with things (English is not their first language), and basically schedule my entire life around my family. I don’t have a car so I have to get dropped off and picked up for everything. “Just get a job and save up for a car” you may think. Well, in a desi household things are never that simple. The smallest things, like say staying on campus after my class ends to hang out with friends, somehow becomes a matter of family honor or life and death. I love my family, and I would do anything for them, but I deserve some fun.

Not to sound like a typical teenager, but I have always wanted to attend a Great Gatsby or Masquerade themed party. My senior prom in high school was Masquerade themed. You can’t even imagine how happy that made me. The idea of everyone in ball gowns and beautiful alluring masks, there is something dark and sexy about it. But like I said, I have strict parents. I never went to prom. I wasn’t really upset about it though because I knew I wouldn’t be allowed to go. Instead, I spent my senior prom night volunteering. I am not gonna lie, it was actually fun. I was a waitress at a fundraiser hosted to restore a local park. The event took place on a yacht over looking the river. I can’t pronounce the food I was serving, and probably wouldn’t be able to afford even the underwear the guest were wearing, but it was a good experience.

Anyways, I nearly screamed with joy when I found out my college was  hosting a Great Gatsby themed formal. It seemed too good to be true. I knew I had to go to this. I am a 19 year old college student, I have a say in my life, there was no way I was letting my parents say no this time. My mom wasn’t hard to convince, I simply asked and she said yes. It was my dad that had the ultimate say, but I knew exactly how to work him. I went to his room right before he was about go to sleep. He was reading and totally relaxed. I told him there was a formal I wanted to go to, I told him the theme was one of my favorite books and movies, I told him I really wanted to go, and that its the end of the semester so this is the last event of the year (totally false). I made sure to keep my voice sweet and calm as if I was actually asking for his permission, and I added a “Please” in there. Most importantly though, I made it seem like his idea, like he actually had the power to decide whether or not to allow me to go. He had no idea of the manipulation that was taking place. I am not proud of what I did, and I’ve never done it before, but when push comes to shove you do what you gotta do. Needless to say, I got his “permission”.

Before my Night

First thing first, I needed a dress. The formal was on Sunday night so Friday after class a couple of my friends and I hit the mall in search of the perfect Gatsby outfit. Whats the first thing that comes to mind when you think “Roaring 20’s”? I bet you just thought of flappers.  Naturally, my friends and I scoured every store for fringe and short hemlines. We came up empty handed. Not a single store in the entire mall had a good flapper dress. Discouraged, we walked around Forever 21 and somehow I stumbled upon THE dress for me. It wasn’t short and it didn’t have any fringe. It was a pale pink, almost nude, floor length spaghetti strap dress with a slit. It was a slightly sheer but there was a slip underneath. It was innocent yet sexy. It was so simple, but so elegant. To make it more of a 20’s look I bought a white jeweled headpiece. I knew I would look hot.

The Big Night

Sunday night I got ready at my friends dorm and then we waited for the bus that would take us to the venue. When we finally arrived I was amazed. The place was beautiful. There was a lake with a fountain in the middle, a large court yard, and the building looked like a white castle (not the fast food chain). Whoever booked the place, props to you. Walking into the venue was an experience  within itself. There was a long hallway leading to the ballroom. Before proceeding I had to show ID, and I was promptly marked with a black “X” on my hand, the struggles of being under 21. Although, I don’t drink so it didn’t bother me much.  There were big bouquets of flowers in stone vases, and large framed mirrors, a chandelier and finally, I walked into the ballroom. The lights were dimmed, music was blasting, people were dancing, it was spectacular. To my left people were lined up at the open bar, and in front of me was a dance floor surrounded by beautifully set tables. My friends and I found ourselves a table and immediately hit the dance floor.

One of my friends ran over and handed me a vodka tonic, at least I think that’s what it was called. As you may recall, I don’t drink, but I did that night, and it was awesome. I have to say I am not very fond of the taste, but I think the effect of the liquor is what people are intrigued by. As I was dancing I saw a boy out of the corner of my eye. I recognized him from campus, I’ve seen him around. He was cute. He smiled and held out his hand, his way of asking me to dance. Obviously I took it. We danced to an upbeat song face to face, but there was some space between us. He took a step forward and instinctively I did as well and suddenly the distance vanished. I put my arms around his neck and he held me close, his arms around my waist. I don’t know how or when but before I knew it his lips were on mine. I kissed him back, after all hes hot. Suddenly I realized that hes been drinking and I don’t want to make out with a drunk. I said “I shouldn’t do this” and walked away from him and towards my friends. They all had huge smirks on their faces. See I am not usually the “make out with a stranger” type of girl, but I guess I can check that off my bucket list now. I sat at the table and my friend handed me another drink. I downed it. We sat at the table for a while talking and drinking until I felt restless and wanted to dance again.

I lost count of how many drinks I’ve had. I looked over and saw cute boy from before dancing with his friends. At that moment I didn’t care if he was sober or not, his suspenders made him irresistible. I walked up to him, snapped his suspenders and  kissed him, hard. We ended up together the entire night. If we weren’t dancing, we were drinking, and if we weren’t drinking we were making out. It was exhilarating. At one point I remember him saying  my name and telling me that I was beautiful and that he had always wanted to talk to me. Now, whether or not any of that was true is debatable but I didn’t care. I told him his suspenders were sexy and continued to kiss him. He told me my dress was amazing and held me tighter. The music was pumping, I was buzzed and I was making out with an extremely attractive guy. This was definitely not a typical night for me.

I knew the night was ending soon and I had to sober up. My parents were to pick me up after the event and if they had the slightest clue I had been drinking, well…lets not go there. I walked to the table and started drinking water. He took  my water and drank it all, “If you’re sobering up then so am I”. We spent the  next hour hydrating, talking and laughing.

Finally the DJ announced that that the party was over and the buses were on the way. Clearly I was bummed, but everything good comes to an end right? We walked our separate ways. I went over and sat on a bench outside with my friends and he went over to talk to his friends. We weren’t even separated for 5 minutes when I felt his arm around my shoulder. We both stood up and walked over to a large rock under a tree. He sat on it and I sat on his lap. “Hi” I said.”Hello beautiful” he replied. We both leaned in. There wasn’t much conversation after that.

When we finally got on the bus once again he was sitting on the seat and I was on his lap. He looked at me and said ” we we’re together the whole night. I wish I had the guts to ask you to this thing in the first place. You know what, lets pretend I did. You were my date tonight”.  As you probably guessed, we cuddled and made out the entire bus ride. The bus pulled into campus and he hugged me tight. He asked me to stay out with him longer. “We could just sit outside and cuddle” he said. Believe me, I wanted to, but my mom was going to pick me up soon. Once we got off the bus I hugged him goodbye and turned around to leave. He grabbed my hand and spun me around and kissed me. It was like something out of a movie. He put his hand on my face and said “can I call you tomorrow?” I kissed him again and said “you better”. Then we both went our separate ways. The metaphorical clock had struck midnight.

I ran to my friends room and changed out of my dress and into sweatpants. My parents have no idea I bought a dress for the night, and they would kill me if they saw it. They dress was very classy but for a strict desi family, not classy enough. When my mom finally came to pick me up, my dress was in my backpack, out of sight.

The Day After

The next day I washed all the alcohol and lipstick stains out of the dress. I took both the dress and headband back to the mall and returned them. I am not going to wear them again and if my parents ever found them I would be dead.

I realized that day that I never gave cute boy my number. I don’t think it would have made a difference though, I am pretty sure what we had was a one night thing. He probably doesn’t remember much of it anyways. I  checked to see if we were Facebook friends, we are. He even updated his profile picture. He could have messaged me if he really wanted to, I guess I could have as well. But I think its best we didn’t. That night was an incredible escape from my dull life. We were both dressed up, in an elegant environment, and tipsy. I don’t think if we met up again it would have the same effect. I  saw cute boy on campus a couple days ago. We just waved at each other, and continued on with our lives.

I had an amazing night. Cute boy may not be my soul mate but for one night he  made me feel special.  I forgot all about my dreary life at home. I was bold with a guy for the first time. I stepped out of my comfort zone. For that one night, I didn’t have to worry about anyone else. For that one night, I was happy. For that one night, I felt like Cinderella.

 

Procrastination

Sadly, this video is an accurate depiction of my life. My classes were cancelled today due to a snow storm. That means I had an entire day to get my work done. Yet I am here, posting this video. It is 4:25 pm, and I have yet to start my work. I think I am going to take a nap now and start working at 5 pm. I like whole numbers. Do you see my problem?

Demons

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Inner demons are dangerous.They feed on your insecurities, and their appetite is infinite.They can eat you alive from the inside out, and consume you in entirety. I’ve always acknowledged their existence, but all alone in my room I now have to confront them. It’s the first time I’ve ever looked them in the eyes. Each one is more hideous than the last, and all are competing to take me down. They are a part of me, but do they represent who I am? Their presence suggests I am crazy, their number suggest I am inhuman, and their expressions suggest I am evil. It’s defeating to look at them all at once, and see their determined stances. It’s alarming to know I’ve harbored  them all, and nurtured them to imperfection.  They have been hibernating during my happiness, gathering potential energy, now at my darkest time they’ve awoke and are blissfully rested. I try to will them back to hibernation but they do not obey. They are wide a wake and pulsating with energy. I take a step towards my door, but one of them blocks it. Another steps forward and knocks me to the ground. I am paralyzed. They all look bigger from down here.They begin walking, enclosing me. Each step they take sucks oxygen out of the air. I gasp and close my eyes. If I die I don’t want these beast to be the last things I see. Oxygen is fleeting, making each breath a struggle. What will they do once they have me? I no longer have the energy to gasp. I feel myself slipping away. I am floating in darkness. My muscles relax and I am enveloped in peace. There are no demons here, nothing can hurt me. I float deeper into the dark abyss. The blackness soothes me. Something disturbs my serenity; a mumble of a sound.  I concentrate and listen harder. Sounds like a person, maybe a woman,but who? Who is interrupting my bliss? I try to focus on the darkness but the sound beckons me. It grows louder. I can feel my world shaking.  My darkness is stabbed with harsh beam of white light. The brightness shatters my world, and the sound consumes me. I am no longer floating, I am falling. My eyes shoot open and I inhale deeply. The ceiling greets me. I rotate my stiff neck, clearly I am not paralyzed. I sit up and realize the demons are gone. I don’t know when or if the monsters will be back, but I can’t think about that now. The sound is real. I walk to my door, there are no demons blocking it now. I twist and pull the knob and a smile climbs on my face. My mother’s laughter fills my room.

Confessions of a TV Addict

I am a TV Addict. Actually, I can’t remember the last time I sat in front of a TV. I watch everything on my laptop. Anyways, I am a TV addict and these are my confessions(cue Usher music):

  1. I get addicted to shows very easily, and I have no favorites. The list of shows I love is endless, naming them all would be a blog post in itself.
  2. I live vicariously through the characters.  I get attached, and I feel like I know them (Although I suppose that’s the writers’ intention). Also, I am interested in everything,but committed to nothing. TV allows me to dabble in all of my interest, whether its being a Manhattan doctor on The Mindy Project, or rich and famous on Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
  3. I learn things while watching. Did you know you could corrupt a magnetic strip on a key card by pushing it against your smartphone screen? I like crime shows. Plus, Switched at Birth is teaching me sign language. I can, with full confidence, tell a deaf person that two hundred cupcakes is too many.
  4. I act like my favorite characters. Yes, I really am that lame. While in the shower, I sometimes pretend to save the world from terrorist attacks by channeling my inner Jack Bauer. Jack BauerOnce,I told my friend to watch Sherlock and she replied back “Yeah I’ve been watching it”.  I told her she’s lying and she jokingly said “Don’t assume the worst”. At this very moment, I became Sherlock Holmes. I texted back “I am not assuming anything. Sherlock is an amazing show, and knowing you, you would freak out while watching it and text or call me about how good it is. I received no such communication from you, so therefore you have not watched it. Obviously”(If you know anything about the Sherlock stories, you’d applaud my deduction).
  5. Sometimes I purposely avoid shows because I know I’ll be hooked. So many people have told me to watch The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, and Breaking Bad. I have no doubt those are amazing shows, but I am already addicted to so many. I can’t afford to be hooked on any others (I will watch them over summer break).
  6. I look for myself and my best friends in every show I watch. Who is Zoey, who is Lemon, and who is Anna Beth? If I am Zoey, then who is my Wade, who is my George Tucker, and who is my Joel? The hard questions of life.
  7. I get a rush when I start a new show. There is nothing like the feeling of starting an amazing new show and completely devouring it. Discovering The Carrie Diaries was like walking into a whole new world.  Who knew I liked the 80’s?
  8. I am an expert binge watcher. I flew through four seasons of The Vampire Diaries in roughly two weeks. I’d like to add the month was October, and I am a full time college student. That means there were no vacation breaks, and I had a ton of school work.
  9. The pain of waiting for a new episode or season is real. It physically hurts. Drop Dead Diva or The Originals anyone?
  10. I HATE SPOILERS. The fun is in the suspense. Cliff hanger endings are torture but I love the pain. I want to laugh with Ted, Lilly, Marshall, Barney, and Robbin again! And how did he meet the mother?!
  11. I have to pause because I get the feels. Watching a really good show messes with my emotions. Sometimes I have to hit pause in the middle of an episode and pace around my room because I can’t handle what I am seeing on the screen. I need a minute to adsorb it and let it sink in. When I saw Sherlock kiss a girl, I pointed at the screen, yelled “What the F***!”,and I kid you not, I literally ran around my house . Then I had to rewind and re-watch the moment until I was ready to move on. Its a process.  sherlock
  12. I am not a hater (In reference to confession 11). No, I don’t hate the girl he kissed. In fact I quite like Molly Hooper.I freaked out because Sherlock freaking Holmes just kissed a girl, and that is completely out of character. I don’t hate any characters, ever (for the most part). When the hot guy character finds love, I feel happy for him, as if he was real. Also I actually love the villain characters, there would be no show without them. Jim Moriarty may be a creep, but he is a genius.
  13. I have to watch behind the scenes and bloopers to convince myself its not real. I get so emotionally attached to the characters I sometimes forget its all acting. I have seen all the bloopers and “making of” videos that Youtube has to offer for Merlin, and I still can’t fathom King Arthur’s death. Of course then I look up the actors and become obsessed with their careers, and proceed to think of how I would react if I ever met them. “Oh Bradley James, didn’t see you there” (Don’t pretend like you’ve never done it). bts
  14. I feel the need to spread the love. Every time I watch a fantastic show, I have to tell everyone about it. The best feeling is when they actually watch the show and love it as much as me. I just got my friend to watch Modern Family and she is obsessed. Its almost as if I am starting a revolution. I feel powerful.
  15. Anyone who loves the shows I love needs to be my best friend. Bonding over a TV show is like no other bond. When  I hear someone say “I love that show too!” it make my heart flutter, and brings tears of joy to my eyes. Its equivalent to when a lover says “I love you too”.
  16. People who don’t like a show I like are insignificant.  In fact, I take it personally and get a little offended. However, after thinking it through I feel sorry for them. It’s not their fault they’re incompetent.
  17. I am a TV hipster. When I discover a show before it becomes popular, you best believe I am going to point out my phenomenal taste.
  18. When a good show slowly goes bad, its like watching a family pet die. Touch was so thought provoking and deep at first, but it became terminally ill.  New Girl used to be amazing (and you can hate me for this) but I think its time to put it down. 
  19. I wonder how the Hell the writers come up with these things. There are so many plot twist, and comedic one liners, sometimes I just sit in awe of the creators. What goes on in their heads? Such brilliance. The directors, cast and crew are not to be forgotten.  I can’t apprehend how talented these people have to be to produce such great content.
  20. When a good show ends, it’s painful.  Pan Am was under rated  and cancelled before it got a chance to take off. Meanwhile its hard to believe that Lost has found it’s peace. It’s difficult to accept, but all good things must come to an end.

Needless to say, I watch these shows alone in my room. Whether I am watching Mind Games on National Geographic, or Suits on USA I fully indulge. You know what? After these confessions, I don’t want to reform. I like being this way. I am a TV addict. So what? (Cue Pink song).

19 is the new 40

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It’s 2014 Bitches! New year, new me! SYKE! Lets be real, i am not going to change much. Every year i make the resolution to get in shape, and every year i binge on ice cream while watching How I Met Your Mother. My only goal this year is to not die. I aim high, i know.  Why have I set the bar so high for myself you may ask. To find out, lets rewind to Christmas.  

Now i am not Christian, but a lot of people in America are, and as such i found myself at a Christmas party. I sat next to a random girl because all the other seats were taken. She was very young so I thought I would start conversation, as i hate sitting in silence. “What’s your name?” i asked followed by “How old are you?”. She is 10 years old.”How old are you?” she asked me. I tell her i am 19 and she responds with “Wow, you’re old!”. Now, my immediate thought was “BITCH, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!”, but I just laughed because, well, shes right.

This is my last year as a teen. I going to be 20 next year, actually this year. How the fuck did this happen? I am a sophomore in college and i still feel like I am in high school.  I secretly rock out to One Direction and watch Disney Channel with my 8 year old sister. Well, its not much of a secret to my close friends, but i don’t exactly brag about it. As a side note, i have some strong opinions on how Disney shows have gone down hill. I mean, a show about a dog that has a blog, really? Anyways, this Disney watching, One Direction singing girl is going to be 20. TWO. EN. TY!This baffles me. I went to the Christmas party hoping I would get presents (yes, that’s plural), and instead i got reality checked by a 10 year old girl. Merry Christmas to me.

I always  thought by 20 i would have a hot ass boyfriend, and rule the freaking world. Psh, I still live with my parents and right now i am just a loser on the internet.This blog has zero followers, that’s how much of a loser I am. Thinking about all this made me so depressed. That is why i have no resolutions this year. I was feeling too sorry for myself to make any.  Then I thought, “Fuck it”. And really, fuck all of it. Fuck getting old. Fuck student loans. Fuck everyone getting engaged at 23 (actually I am really happy for all of you guys), Fuck boys (literally, and if you’re into it, girls too). I just want to live. I wanted something more than just a new years resolution. I want something like a bucket list, so i made that instead. This way i have a lifetime to get these things done. So here it is.

My Life To Do List:

  1. Skydive in Dubai
  2. Scuba Dive/ Snorkel
  3. Cage Dive with Sharks
  4. Free Swim with Sharks
  5. Make out with a stranger
  6. Meet a celebrity
  7. Light a dandelion on fire
  8. Run “The Color Run”
  9. Do the “Warrior Dash”
  10. Go on a road trip
  11. Learn sign language
  12. Go to a fancy smancy party
  13. Put gum on the wall in Seattle
  14. Sing Karaoke
  15. Paint a house
  16. Build a house with Habitat for Humanity
  17. Make a kick ass scrapbook
  18. Go to the lock gate in Paris
  19. Go on a date that ends at 4 am with out sleeping with him
  20. Fall asleep outside
  21. Go camping
  22. Go Skiing/Snow boarding
  23. Build a snow fort
  24. Be an extra in a movie
  25. Get a midnight kiss on new years
  26. Go horseback riding
  27. Go cliff jumping
  28. Bungee Jump
  29. Have sex in as many countries possible
  30. Milk a cow
  31. Bike across a bridge
  32. Ride a mechanical bull
  33. Throw a successful surprise party
  34. Just Travel the freakin world

I know the list is random, but these are the things i want to do for myself. If i can accomplish these things within a lifetime, i’ll be happy. Anyways, thinking of all the things i want to do made me wonder about the things that i have done. So i made a list for that too.

  1. Touched a stingray, shark, snake, goat, crab, starfish, and other critters
  2. Rode a pony on a beach
  3. Attended weddings
  4. Went hiking and saw the sunset
  5. Kissed a girl
  6. Kissed a boy
  7. Almost had sex in a car
  8. Donated my hair
  9. Gave blood
  10. Seduced an older guy (without trying, oh yeah!)
  11. Got over my fear of dogs
  12. Told everyone in my family, individually, that i love them
  13. Been stuck in a broken down car for hours
  14. Gotten Road/car help from a total stranger
  15.  Won the break up (Twice,score!)
  16. Saw a taping of a show (The Daily Show to be exact)
  17. Appreciated a sunrise and sunset
  18. Made an amazing best friend, and also made a guy best friend
  19. Made Dean’s List
  20. Ran through a sprinkler
  21. Made a snowman
  22. Drew on a blacktop with chalk
  23. Been crushed on by a guy before he realized hes gay
  24. Danced in front of a crowd
  25. Made a silent film
  26. Carved my initials into a rock
  27. Fell off a skateboard
  28. Rode almost every ride at Six Flags
  29. Was there when my best friend found out she was pregnant( as a teen, not a good moment)
  30. There with my best friend when she told her boyfriend she cheated(it was just a kiss, not the pregnancy)
  31. Attended multiple Jonas Brother Concerts(in the process saw Demi Lovato, Jordan Sparks, and Jessie James)
  32. Had a friend with Benefits ( yet i am still a virgin, go figure)
  33. Done a front flip
  34. Played the saxophone
  35. Went to Bangladesh

I am missing a lot. But point is, I’ve done more than i realized. Basically i want to cross things off my to do list, and add to my have done list. To do that, i have to not die. So here’s to  2014, and the rest of my life. I may feel lost at times, but I’ve got this.